7 Truths About the Female Orgasm
Let’s face it. Few among us talk truthfully or openly about sex, especially to our partners. I’s high time we did some communicating. In hopes of sheddig a little light on the darks corners, here are the seven truths about the female orgasm that every woman (and her lover) should know.
Truth 1
All Women Climax Differently. Some of us have orgasms from clitoral stimulation only, others by stimulating the G spot, or Grafenberg spot, which is a sensitive, nerve-intensive area about two inches back inside the front wall of the vagina. And some women experience orgasm through both the clitoris and G spot, though rarely at the same time unless they are lucky enough to have been born with bionic genitalia.
Because our bodies are all unique, there’s no fail-proof recipe for bringing on a female orgasm. We must discover what works for us through trial and error. Sloanne, 21, in an attempt to enlighten herself to all our female orgasmic capacity, took the matter into her own hands, so to speak. She reveals: “I ended up buying a Betty Dodson video about achieving orgasmic ecstasy, and I had a screening for friends. We served mango and angel food cake. The video talked about moving your hips, deep breathing, using your pelvic floor (PC) muscles, touching your clitoris and rocking your pelvis.” One thing to keep in mind as you explore the way your body works: G spot orgasms aren’t more “sophisticated” than those triggered by the clitoris. Nor is one necessarily better than the other. Research shows that the nerve impulses resulting from various orgasms all look the same regardless of how they were precipitated. The result is generally three to five vaginal contractions followed by full-body release of muscle tension that leaves you more serene than an hour-long massage.
Truth 2
Orgasms Don’t (Pardon the Pun) Come Easily. Life would be so divine if orgasms were as predictable as our credit-card bills. Dream on. Unlike the case with men, who can’t seem to relate to us on this one, female orgasms with a partner require harmonizing four components: mechanical know-how, savvy communication skills, a certain comfort level with the partner and complete mind and body receptivity. Bottom line: It takes practice, because even if we know every nuance of our clitoris or G spot, there’s no guarantee we’ll get the orgasm goddess dancing.
One of the reasons orgasms can be difficult to achieve is that we tend to need different types of stimulation at different times when we’re making love. Small differences of touch make big differences with women. Sometimes we need harder pressure, other times more delicate strokes.
The clitoris has as many nerve endings as the penis, nut they are concentrated in such a small surface area that sometimes even the slightest touch can be too much. What’s more, the approach that worked magic yesterday may have little effect on us today. While it would be dreamy to have a lover who, in an osmosis king of way, knows exactly where to touch us and with that degree of vigor, here in real world there’s no way our mate can know what is right on or all wrong... unless we start talking, which conveniently leads us to the next truth.
Truth 3
Our Partners Need Pointers On What Turns Us On. What may have sent our mate’s previous partner flying across the room from pleasure (although such images of our lover’s past sexual encounters do horrific things to the esteem and therefore, in general, should not be conjured) may do nothing for us. Such is the nature of the unpredictable female erogenous zone. Our job is threefold: First, we must realize that such differences are perfectly normal; second, we must educate our mates about the variances in female anatomy and orgasmic propensity if they don’t already know; and third, we must explain and even (eek!) demonstrate what turns us on.
If you are bold, the direct approach, during or before the act of making love, is the most effective. Tell your partner outright, “I want to show you how I come.” Then try to cast aside all modesty and get on with the show.
After your private showing, the transition from self-stimulation to partner participation can be somewhat tricky. Some sex therapists suggest trying this technique. First hold your partner’s hand and guide his finger until you have an orgasm. Next time, guide his finger until you’re close to orgasm, then let go and have him bring you to climax alone. Finally, let him go the whole way without your assistance.
As you’re showing your partner the ropes, keep the lines of communication open, advises Bethany, 26: “Guys have no way of knowing if what they’re doing is right, so it’s up to us to let them know.” With that in mind, keep talking while you’re making love, telling your partner gently, so as not to seem demanding or critical. “That’s not good now; do more of what you were doing before,” or whatever it is that triggers your orgasm.
If you’re so shy about expressing your sexual desires that the idea of putting on such a brazen demonstration is enough to make you want to run to a nunnery, try warming up to the conversation slowly, suggests Elena, 23. “One way to approach the subject is to ask your partner what he likes, and then tell him what turns you on. It can be awkward to say what you like, but if you can’t talk about it with your partner, the sex might not ever improve,” she says.
A final word of caution: Be very clear when describing what you need. If you’re too subtle, your partner won’t get it.
Truth 4
Intercourse, Alone, Doesn’t Cut It (At Least, for Most of Us).For many of us, foreplay is the real play when it comes to making love. Intercourse on its own is often more of a pleasant afterthought or an erotic prelude to what really gets us going, which more often than not, is manual stimulation or oral sex. In fact, according to some estimates, close to half of all sexually active women don’t have orgasms regularly through intercourse.
“Men and women’s sexual experiences are very different from one another,” explains sex therapist Dr. Dennis Surgrue, clinical associate professor of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Medical School and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists. “There’s a tendency in our culture for women to conform to the male experience, which is intercourse. But intercourse is not an effective way for women to reach orgasm. The two major erogenous areas in women are the clitoris and the G spot, and intercourse isn’t efficient at stimulating either.”
Because of the female orgasm’s rare apperance during penetration, it’s pretty seldom that we’re able to climax in unison with our mates, a feat that many believe is the gold standard in sex. Is shoudn’t be, though, because such demands put a lot of pressure on both partners. Sure, it may be nice to strive for, and when it comes, we can howl at the moon in erotic harmony, byt such events shouldn’t be forced.
Of course, certain sexual positions - girl on top, giving us all the control, and doggy style, to name a couple - are better than others at hidding the right dpots during penetration. And, of course, practice with an eager-to-please partner will help spur those wild horses to gallop across our pelvic floor.
Having a partner whose anatomy complements yours (meaning that your pelvic bones bump and grind in just the right spot, stimulating your clitoris in the process) will also improve your chances of simple act of manually stimulating your clitoris during penetration.
Truth 5
Not All Orgasms Have the Same Oomph. Orgasms can be as varied as good wines. Some spark a quick flutter that doesn’t stray far from the source, like a crisp sauvignon blanc on the tip of the tounge. Others ignite a full-body experience with a long, luscious finish, similar to an aged cabernet. However, on type of orgasm should never be considered more desirable than the other, especially because we just don’t have a choice on which one will come. If stronger orgasms are valued more than flightier ones, performance anxiety and frustration to achieve them will surely contaminate our enjoyment of whatever does end up coming.
That said, some authorties on the subject contend that there are a variety of ways to enhance our orgasms. So, they’re worth a try if you’re curious. Kegel exercises, which involve repeatedly squeezing the pelvic floor (pc) muscles, much as you do when you really have to pee on your way home from an extended happy hour, are one technique to build those muscle that surround the vagina, rectum and urethra. This presumably puts the spark back in your orgasms.
Certain other techniques, such as almost bringing yourself to climax but then switching your source of stimulation from, say, your clitoris to your G spot, may also enhance your orgasms when you allow yourself to finally come. Breathing deeply into the abdomen (not something most of us stomach-sucking women are used to doing, especially when naked and within such close proximity of our lover) relaxes the erogenous area and increases the pleasure, as does rocking the pelvis. And, of course, many women are able to have multiple orgasms to double or quadruple their pleasure.
On the subject of multiple orgasms, according to sex therapists, most women are capable of having more than one orgasm within the same lovemaking session, but, like learning to have one, some practice and knowing a few trade secrets can help. For one, the clitoris is usually way too sensitive after our first orgasm to get direct stimulation again and doesn’t want to be touched, so if you wanto to go for doubles, wait at least a minute before picking up where you left off. Then, when you’re not so hyperaroused, continue on doing what you did when the first one arrived.
Truth 6
The Mind Has More Verve Than a Vibrator. You’re probably well aware of the mind’s uncanny role as gatekeeper to sexual realease. A big part of our mental capacity to encourage or withhold those desirable pelvic rumblings revolves around trust.
To get into the orgasmic state of mind, we must, for instance, trust that our midnight cowboy (a) won’t point and giggle at our unleashed display of sexual ecstasy in the nude; (b) will remain as concernet about the status of the consom as we are throughout sex; and (c) will consider the boudaries that we set prior to the act as holy as Monday-night football.
Orgasm is also more likely if our emotional connection with our partner is fully functioning. Foreplay, once again, is what sparks our emotional kindling. Eye contact, talking and loosening up the old erotic joints, so to speak, through gentle and suggestive massage, will help shift the mind into lovemaking gear. Without an emotional and mental connection to our partner, it’s pretty near impossible to warm up the nether regions properly and give our orgasms even a fighting chance. More often than many of us would care to admit, however, the mind starts wandering when our body and partner are otherwise willing. We start thinking about bills, errands we have to run, that nightmare project due tomorrow at noon. When such mental disasters strike, we can either kiss that orgasm goodbye or lasso those distractions and, one they’re contained, refocus on the erotic here and now.
Easier said than done, but a few tricks are worth a shot. Nina, 26, concentrates on her boyfriend’s sounds and his breathing if her mind dares to wander. Vanessa, 23, focuses on all the different sensations she’s feeling, blocking her mind of everything else. Elena, 23, engages her partner in consersation, sometimes just talking about what they’re doing, when her thoughts starts to drift. Thinking about erotic images and scenarios or, better yet, sharing them with your partner will also get your mind in proper orgasm mode.
Due to our intrepid anatomy and all other reasons previously discussed, many of us become stressed about taking so long to have an orgasm. Because so many of us have been socially engineered to please others (especially men) and think of ourselves and our own pleasure last, letting go and allowing our orgasms to come on thei own accord can be psychologically challenging. This can cause all sorts of anxiety, all the more if we’re simultaneously worrying that our mate is getting bored, discouraged or antsy for his turn.
Here is a little secret: Most lovers (unless they are sexually selfish) get exorbitant amounts of pleasure from watching and helping their mates become sexually activated. Most of them are not looking at the clock, either. So, don’t feel guilty about all the attention being lavished upon you, and just ignore any notion that sex is only about pleasing your partner. Making love is all about giving and receiving.
Truth 7
Orgasms Aren’t Proof of Good Sex. Some women might wildly disagree, but the rest of us often find the tender caresses, the naked bonding, and the undivided attention that precedes of follows a hearty romp just as pleasurable as those spine-tapping pelvic throbs. Some men, too, might not be able to comprehend this female concept of passionate lovemaking, but that’s their problem.
Sex therapist Dr. Dennis Sugrue, clinical associate professir of psychiatry at the University of Michigan Mediacl School and president of the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists explains a common dynamic: “The male ego often gets bruised if their partners don’t have an orgasm. The issue gets even more complicated if a woman feels as though something is wrong with her if she doesn’t climax. Truth is, it’s not that common for women to have orgasms during intercourse. Lovemaking needs to be broadened to a fuller experience, not just limited to penetration.”
Orgasms, however, are important to achieve with your partner on a somewhat frequent basis. After all, your mate is the only one who gets to see this completely sexual and vulnerable surrender, and sharing your orgasms with the person you love is a spiritual thing. Don’t shortchange yourself if you’re not getting them. It can be easy to convince yourself that orgasms don’t matter in the big scheme of your relationship because it takes you so long to come and you can just masturbate alone later, but when you do that, you’re denying yourself a truly unique and soulful connection with your partner.
Female Orgasm FAQ
What is it?
It is a physiological event occuring as the culmination of prededing stages.It starts with an “excitement” stage lasting minutes to hours during which:
- Heart rate increases
- Nipples harden and become erect
- Breasts swell
- Breathing becomes heavier
- Vagina and vulva become wet (lubricated)
- Inner lips vulva swell, outer “open”
- Clitoris becomes erect
Just before orgasm: plateau stage
- Breasts, nipples, areola enlarge further
- Body becomes hot, flusher
- Overall muscle tone increases, may result in involuntary shuddering or jerking
- Heart rate increases further
- Breathing quickens and may be irregular or gasping
- Inner lips of vulva become more swollen, red and warm
- Head of clitoris and lips around it swell
Orgasm
- Series of muscular contractions occur in the floor of the pelvis
- Contractions are rhythmic and fast lasting just under 1 second each
- Uterus and muscles in abdomen also contract
- Heart rate and breathing reach peak
- May happen once or over and over if there is more stimulation
Resolution
- Clitoris, vulva, breats return to their usual state
- Heart rate and breathing slow over a few minutes
How does it feel?
- Stimulation of the clitoris is the physiological “source” of an orgasm but it can be “felt” in or around the clitoris, vagina, whole pelvic area or whole body.
- Orgasms vary between women and for the same woman at different times. There is no “right” or “wrong” kind of orgasm.
- Feeling will vary with kind and degree of stimulation but also with how the woman feels about herself, her partner and their relationship.
- Orgasms are described in many different ways but, in common there is a sensation of “building”, “pressure” or “tension”, a sense of inevitability once it starts and “relief” or “release” when it’s finished.
- Most often it is not like the male orgasms and not like what is read about in novels.
How does someone know if they’ve had one?
- With an orgasm the muscles of the pelvic floor always contract. If that doesn’t happen, it is not an orgasm.
- Aside from this, the way women experience orgasm varies so much that it is impossible to tell someone else what is “should” feel like for them.
Why would some women not have orgasm?
- Some women may have orgasms in some situations or with some types of activity but not others, while others may have never experienced orgasm.
- If a women is not excited, aroused then she will not reach orgasm so the things that interfere with arousal will therefore interfere with orgasm.
- In the case where the woman is fully aroused but orgasm doesn’t happen, it is generally thought to be due to either the lack of the right stimulus or to adverse psychological conditions, ie.e anxiety, wrong partner, place/situation, relationship problems, prohibitions against having orgasm, previous negative sexual experiences, etc.
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